By Rodrigo Angeles
It was a typical Tuesday. I was returning home from my new school, Yerba Buena, to finish my assigned classwork. I finished 7th period’s homework and all that was left was a pink sheet of paper from 5th period, asking me to describe myself and my life. I decided to honestly answer the questions and my mother proceeded to walk in and ask about it. I told her and after she read it, she asked about what I meant when I said, I feel like a leech and why was I saying all these bad things about myself. I explained it to her, then we talked. I now feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can now freely continue my life without feeling down.
The series of events all unfolded when I was 8 and went to Mexico with my mom for “financial reasons” and I didn’t question it at the time because as a child, all I really wanted was to not be a burden on my parents. The reasoning behind this was that, they spent a lot of time accommodating my needs from getting the food I wanted to eat, to having to buy me toys that I wanted, making me feel like a burden.
This was made worse by the fact that my grandmother and one of my uncles were not supposed to know of my father’s part in my life, my mother always told me no matter how much they pressure you, don’t say anything about your dad. I followed her orders and never said a word. I always asked my mother why grandma didn’t like dad but she just said she didn’t like him because of who he was. Hearing this made me question my place in the family, it made me feel just disgusting.
I then thought about it and came with a conclusion that would change my life for years. “I am my father’s child and nobody in the family really likes him, so they must dislike me”. This changed my feelings towards myself and my family so much, that I disliked going to parties that they would be at.
The self hate and distrust towards family members discouraged me from talking to them about it, and I didn’t tell my parents for fear of causing more problems for them. I decided that I would have to act like I was fine to continue being treated normal.
My childhood was a play and I was the lead to it. I would act happy near them to seem fine, but they made fun of me from time to time for small things I did wrong. I didn’t see the difference of a joke and an actual distaste towards someone. One time I acted as if I was fine, is when I returned to Mexico to visit the family I thought hated me for one month. It was mentally tiring keeping up the act constantly and with restrictions to what I can talk about.
I asked my mother what she noticed from me when I was near her and how did I act she said,
“Yo te tengo en el concepto de que estés conmigo o no estés conmigo tú siempre eres igual, no eres un niño de que por acá y enfrente de mi eres una persona y atrás de mi eres otra persona y yo no lo creo de ti por que yo te e dicho que la confianza es lo más importante para ti y para mí.” [Translation:“I had you in the concept that if you are with me or not you are the same person, you are not a kid that is this person when you are with me and that person when I am not there. I don’t believe that because I have told you that confidence is the most important thing for you and me.”]
I then proceeded to ask her about what kind of challenges I faced as a kid and she listed the following:
“Obstáculos para ti es era no tener amigos, no familiarizadas tanto no tenías muchos amigos tu te sientas solo un tiempo.” [Translation:“Challenges you faced were you didn’t have friends you didn’t socialize much, you felt alone sometimes”]
I asked her the last question about my childhood regarding my personality during middle school
“Tu personalidad cambió un poquito pero trate de comprenderte porque así es la adolescencia a veces tienen cambios de humores de character de que te pones enojado y otra estaba de cómo darte por tu lado y no tomarlo tan a pecho porque sabía en la etapa que estabas pasando” [Translation:“Your personality changed a bit but I tried to comprehend where you were coming from because that’s the adolescence. You can get mad and not take everything you do personally because I knew it was a phase you had to go through”]
One of the most emotionally crippling things I went through and am trying to leave behind is my self-hate. According to verywellmind.com
“Self-hatred is something that develops over time and it is influenced by many factors.”
They also state that there is likely more than one experience over the course of your life that triggered the self-hatred. There is more than one type of self-hatred in fact there five that are most prevalent among people with self-hatred, the five were your expectations with yourself, others expectations on you, a perfectionists mindset, past trauma, and lastly social comparison.
It was a typical Tuesday. I was returning home from my new school, Yerba Buena, to finish my assigned classwork. I finished 7th period’s homework and all that was left was a pink sheet of paper from 5th period, asking me to describe myself and my life. I decided to honestly answer the questions and my mother proceeded to walk in and ask about it. I told her and after she read it, she asked about what I meant when I said, I feel like a leech and why was I saying all these bad things about myself. I explained it to her, then we talked. I now feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest and I can now freely continue my life without feeling down.
The series of events all unfolded when I was 8 and went to Mexico with my mom for “financial reasons” and I didn’t question it at the time because as a child, all I really wanted was to not be a burden on my parents. The reasoning behind this was that, they spent a lot of time accommodating my needs from getting the food I wanted to eat, to having to buy me toys that I wanted, making me feel like a burden.
This was made worse by the fact that my grandmother and one of my uncles were not supposed to know of my father’s part in my life, my mother always told me no matter how much they pressure you, don’t say anything about your dad. I followed her orders and never said a word. I always asked my mother why grandma didn’t like dad but she just said she didn’t like him because of who he was. Hearing this made me question my place in the family, it made me feel just disgusting.
I then thought about it and came with a conclusion that would change my life for years. “I am my father’s child and nobody in the family really likes him, so they must dislike me”. This changed my feelings towards myself and my family so much, that I disliked going to parties that they would be at.
The self hate and distrust towards family members discouraged me from talking to them about it, and I didn’t tell my parents for fear of causing more problems for them. I decided that I would have to act like I was fine to continue being treated normal.
My childhood was a play and I was the lead to it. I would act happy near them to seem fine, but they made fun of me from time to time for small things I did wrong. I didn’t see the difference of a joke and an actual distaste towards someone. One time I acted as if I was fine, is when I returned to Mexico to visit the family I thought hated me for one month. It was mentally tiring keeping up the act constantly and with restrictions to what I can talk about.
I asked my mother what she noticed from me when I was near her and how did I act she said,
“Yo te tengo en el concepto de que estés conmigo o no estés conmigo tú siempre eres igual, no eres un niño de que por acá y enfrente de mi eres una persona y atrás de mi eres otra persona y yo no lo creo de ti por que yo te e dicho que la confianza es lo más importante para ti y para mí.” [Translation:“I had you in the concept that if you are with me or not you are the same person, you are not a kid that is this person when you are with me and that person when I am not there. I don’t believe that because I have told you that confidence is the most important thing for you and me.”]
I then proceeded to ask her about what kind of challenges I faced as a kid and she listed the following:
“Obstáculos para ti es era no tener amigos, no familiarizadas tanto no tenías muchos amigos tu te sientas solo un tiempo.” [Translation:“Challenges you faced were you didn’t have friends you didn’t socialize much, you felt alone sometimes”]
I asked her the last question about my childhood regarding my personality during middle school
“Tu personalidad cambió un poquito pero trate de comprenderte porque así es la adolescencia a veces tienen cambios de humores de character de que te pones enojado y otra estaba de cómo darte por tu lado y no tomarlo tan a pecho porque sabía en la etapa que estabas pasando” [Translation:“Your personality changed a bit but I tried to comprehend where you were coming from because that’s the adolescence. You can get mad and not take everything you do personally because I knew it was a phase you had to go through”]
One of the most emotionally crippling things I went through and am trying to leave behind is my self-hate. According to verywellmind.com
“Self-hatred is something that develops over time and it is influenced by many factors.”
They also state that there is likely more than one experience over the course of your life that triggered the self-hatred. There is more than one type of self-hatred in fact there five that are most prevalent among people with self-hatred, the five were your expectations with yourself, others expectations on you, a perfectionists mindset, past trauma, and lastly social comparison.
Verywellmind.com also talked about one’s view on themselves and how they thought of themselves and they said this
“When someone experiences self-hatred, the relationship with self can feel painful and confusing. Our self-concept consists of the words we would use to describe ourselves.”
Out of the five prevalent ones I saw that the one I went through was self-hatred triggered by others expectations. One thing this self-hatred has done to me is mess up the relationship I have with certain family members because of how they would belittle me when I messed up causing the current day me to withdraw from family gatherings or parties which my family members are at.
When I finally told my mother how I truly felt about myself, I asked her how she felt and while tearing up she said
“Esa vez yo me sentí triste llore porque no me di cuenta de lo que tu estabas pasando entonces enterarme yo, yo sentí como que yo como mama no te puse más atención de la que debía que me equivoque en ese aspecto pero trato de ayudarte de que salgas adelante y que nadie te lastime y que tu te sientas agusto y que me tengas más que nada confianza que me digas a mi lo que tu me quieras decir tu dimelo en confianza y estoy para escucharte y tambien tu papa” [Translation:“That day I felt sad, I cried because I didn't even notice what you were going through and me finding out made me feel that as a mother I didn’t pay enough attention as I should have that I was incorrect in thinking that you were fine and now but I try to help you so that you can progress and that no one hurts you and that you feel comfortable and more than anything have confidence in me”]
I then asked her about how she felt that I contemplate suicide from the pressure and self-hatred and while sobbing she says
“La verdad eso me decepcionaría totalmente porque yo pienso que Dios te da la vida y Dios sabe cuando quitarla uno no tiene el derecho de quitarse la vida y ne de pensarlo afectaría mi vida emocional y personal por que es un dolor que gracias a Dios no lo e experimentado ni lo quiero experimentar por que tu eres mi razon de vivir las ganas de echarle ganas al trabajo de que no les falte nada lo poco que yo les pueda dar se los doy de corazón y yo no quisiera que les pasara nada malo a ninguno de mis hijos por que yo los amo.” [Translation:“Truth be told that I feel let you down because I think that God gave you life and he decides when to take it away, one doesn’t have the right to take one’s life and not even think about it. It would affect my emotional and personal life because it is a pain that I thank God I haven’t felt and I don’t want to feel it because you are my reason to live the reason I give it my all at work so that you guys have everything you want and with what little I can provide I give it from the heart and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to none of my children because I love you guys.”]
After the conversation I had with them on that Tuesday. The interview I did, has changed my mindset and no longer blame everything on myself, but it is quite hard to get rid of the habit of withdrawing myself from family and social events with them, but that to will change in time. I still question my grandma’s thoughts on my dad; I can’t really be myself when I’m with her. I will visit them after this school year and I don’t really know how I will react to her comments about everything that isn’t up to par with her standards and she can get pretty toxic.
My relationship with my parents has deepened and I tend to be more open with my thoughts about things then I used to. I still show the same amount of respect but now I can joke around with them and act more like a friend. In the end I have changed for the better and will continue down the road I am currently on, plus I am happier.
“When someone experiences self-hatred, the relationship with self can feel painful and confusing. Our self-concept consists of the words we would use to describe ourselves.”
Out of the five prevalent ones I saw that the one I went through was self-hatred triggered by others expectations. One thing this self-hatred has done to me is mess up the relationship I have with certain family members because of how they would belittle me when I messed up causing the current day me to withdraw from family gatherings or parties which my family members are at.
When I finally told my mother how I truly felt about myself, I asked her how she felt and while tearing up she said
“Esa vez yo me sentí triste llore porque no me di cuenta de lo que tu estabas pasando entonces enterarme yo, yo sentí como que yo como mama no te puse más atención de la que debía que me equivoque en ese aspecto pero trato de ayudarte de que salgas adelante y que nadie te lastime y que tu te sientas agusto y que me tengas más que nada confianza que me digas a mi lo que tu me quieras decir tu dimelo en confianza y estoy para escucharte y tambien tu papa” [Translation:“That day I felt sad, I cried because I didn't even notice what you were going through and me finding out made me feel that as a mother I didn’t pay enough attention as I should have that I was incorrect in thinking that you were fine and now but I try to help you so that you can progress and that no one hurts you and that you feel comfortable and more than anything have confidence in me”]
I then asked her about how she felt that I contemplate suicide from the pressure and self-hatred and while sobbing she says
“La verdad eso me decepcionaría totalmente porque yo pienso que Dios te da la vida y Dios sabe cuando quitarla uno no tiene el derecho de quitarse la vida y ne de pensarlo afectaría mi vida emocional y personal por que es un dolor que gracias a Dios no lo e experimentado ni lo quiero experimentar por que tu eres mi razon de vivir las ganas de echarle ganas al trabajo de que no les falte nada lo poco que yo les pueda dar se los doy de corazón y yo no quisiera que les pasara nada malo a ninguno de mis hijos por que yo los amo.” [Translation:“Truth be told that I feel let you down because I think that God gave you life and he decides when to take it away, one doesn’t have the right to take one’s life and not even think about it. It would affect my emotional and personal life because it is a pain that I thank God I haven’t felt and I don’t want to feel it because you are my reason to live the reason I give it my all at work so that you guys have everything you want and with what little I can provide I give it from the heart and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to none of my children because I love you guys.”]
After the conversation I had with them on that Tuesday. The interview I did, has changed my mindset and no longer blame everything on myself, but it is quite hard to get rid of the habit of withdrawing myself from family and social events with them, but that to will change in time. I still question my grandma’s thoughts on my dad; I can’t really be myself when I’m with her. I will visit them after this school year and I don’t really know how I will react to her comments about everything that isn’t up to par with her standards and she can get pretty toxic.
My relationship with my parents has deepened and I tend to be more open with my thoughts about things then I used to. I still show the same amount of respect but now I can joke around with them and act more like a friend. In the end I have changed for the better and will continue down the road I am currently on, plus I am happier.