By Jazmine Basa
Imagine being trapped in a stranger’s body. You look in the mirror, and you see someone else. Your heart pounds from a mixture of confusion and guilt, boiling to extreme frustration. It doesn’t make sense. Why are you trapped in someone else’s body? You are someone else—you are not a girl, but somehow you got trapped in a female’s body.
You are not female, but you are not male. It doesn’t make sense. Your body genitalia tells another story, but your heart, mind, and soul beg to differ. People both offline and online disregard your struggle as “fake.” Almost as if it were a clickbait title on Youtube, begging for attention. Yet, that is not true. You ask not for attention, but for respect. Nobody listens. Nobody gets it. This is the feeling of body dysphoria.
For high school non-binary students like Len Kade, such a feeling isn’t rare. As a nonbinary junior in a cis-majority city, he finds his gender constantly dismissed even by others. Len uses he/Them pronouns, but is okay with He/Him.
But, wait, wait, wait, what is a “Non-binary” person? Perhaps this is rather confusing without much context, so let me elaborate. Non-binaries might seem like an alien term; it’s a bit new to people outside of the LGBTq+ community.
I admit, even as a bisexual active in the LGBTq+ community, I do not know all the details. I am cis—meaning I Identify with my biological sex—so I conducted some research.
Healthline.com explains non-binaries as: “The term ‘nonbinary’ can mean different things to different people. At its core, it's used to describe someone whose gender identity isn't exclusively male or female.”
People often assume gender is limited to females and males, but gender is a spectrum. Perhaps that sounds blasphemous; I mean, there’s only two types of genitalia, right? However, the misconception lies in the actual definition of gender itself.
National Geographic explains, “Sex determination exists on a spectrum, with genitals, chromosomes, gonads, and hormones all playing a role. Most fit into the male or female category, but about one in a hundred may fall in between. People express gender through clothing, behavior, language, and other outward signs.”
Gender isn’t the equivalent to biological sex. It’s less physical and more on how you portray yourself—It’s emotional. Basically, it’s your identity. It can be a bit confusing to understand, considering cis people identify with their biological sex (that’s based off genitalia). However, sex and gender are not the same.
Healthline.com states, “What’s more, sex isn’t always binary — even on a biological level. One in every 2000 people are born with an intersex condition. Intersex is used to describe people who have chromosomes, anatomy, or other sex characteristics that can’t be categorized as exclusively male or female. The notion that both sex and gender are binary — with everyone fitting into either a male or female box— is a social construct. This system has historically been used to differentiate between biological and gender-related traits in males and females.”
I met Len around May 1st, 2016, on my birthday. I met them online.
I was randomly added to an Instagram group chat. The details of the chat are irrelevant to this story, but I met some of my closest friends now—one of them being Len. I admit I did not know much about them at first. At the time, he did not discover his identity yet. I was still new to the idea of non-binaries, transgender people, and the LGBT Community outside of gay and lesbian.
At the time, Len was still unsure about his gender identity. He started off with female pronouns, then switched in male. During 8th grade (2016), he identified as a transgender male. Yet, neither of these genders seemed to suit him. He was experiencing somewhat of a body dysphoria, but mainly from body weight.
Body dsyphoria—the discomfort of one’s own body—isn’t a rare sight for transgender teenagers.
Kai Contreas, a fellow transgender Senior, explains body dysphoria like “being in a skin with hundreds of needles. It hurts and itches and feels wrong and bad but you can’t take the needles out but things like binding and packing can make the needles go away slightly.”
Nevertheless, things changed near the end of 8th grade.
Wandering online, he learned about non-binaries.
Len explains, “My life as a kid was decent at best. I don't think I ever really questioned my gender until I had found out about the LGBT community online. But before then, I still felt like something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I learned about the LGBTq+ community and questioned my gender.”
Things being to click; he wasn’t female or male, he was non-binary.
Len exclaims, “I was actually pretty confident with the feeling of it. It felt like I finally found a missing chunk of myself. I felt like me, a non-binary.”
He began to change his appearance.
Len reports to wearing “really tight sports bras—which probably isn't very good for [his] chest and ribs—since [he] can't afford a binder.”
From that day forward, Len began to use they/them and he/him pronouns.
“Some people have a hard time using they/them pronouns and/or just don't like using them for whatever reason, and since I have a hard time asking people for things more than once, I make it easier for myself and use he/him, since I know it'll be less likely that someone will argue with me about it,” Len explains. “The other reason is that I feel more of a connection to masculinity. Trans people don’t need to be overly masculine or overly feminine to be ‘truly trans.’ Trans men can like feminine coded things and still be men, just like how trans women can like masculine coded things and still be women. Same for non-binary people, they can like all those things and it doesn’t make them any less non-binary.”
However, transitioning as a nonbinary wasn’t as simple as it seems. There was still a lot of anxiety around the situation.
Questions began to pile up in Len’s mind: What if they think I’m lying? What if I am? What if I’m not actually nonbinary? And if I am, will it sound dumb to say so?
With vision clouded with tears, and anxiety biting at his chest, it was difficult. No one he knew what is was like to be nonbinary, so he didn’t know how to approach the issue. His brain was clouded with fear—he cried night after night for years, trying to drown out the topic with music and YouTube.
Yet, it’s difficult to ignore who you are—his mind began to crumble down. It was as if he were submerged in a whirlpool of fears, insecurities, and awful scenarios of the future.
What do I do?
“Before I came out I was terrified of it. I wasn’t sure how anyone would’ve acted since the term non-binary wasn’t heard of or accepted by most people, and despite what most people say, you aren’t completely sure how they’ll act, or if they’ll treat you differently,” says Len. “To come out as nonbinary was scary because I thought they’d think I was doing this to get attention or that I just couldn't make up my mind.”
To some, it may seem harmless to simply come out, but it can actually be rather terrifying. It felt as if it were life or death--if they didn’t accept his identity, would they toss him in the streets? Could the worst happen?
Unfortunately, Len this fear wasn’t too far from the truth for most transgender students.
Americanprocess.org states 44% of homeless gay and transgender youth who attempt suicide, compared to 29 percent of their heterosexual homeless peers.
Furthermore, Gay and transgender youth 8.4x more likely are to attempt suicide if they are rejected by their families in adolescence compared to if they are not rejected by their family. They are also 5.9 times as likely to have experienced depression, 3.4 times as likely to have used illicit drugs, and 3.4 times as likely to have had unprotected sex.
There was little representation or help around 2016. Len didn’t have much help—aside from some online, LGBT friends (including the group chat and myself). He was already out to most of his friends, but his family didn’t know.
Four years passed by.
His mother still didn’t know.
He itched with the desire to tell her, but was stunned by fear. Yet, motivated by the fluttering LGBT media and his supportive peers, he took the risk.
Around June 2019, Len came out as nonbinary to his mother after four years of being in the closet.
“When I came out to my mom I was so overwhelmed and scared I was sobbing, but she was fine with it in the end,” Len states with glee. He’s still in disbelief from it all.
According to prri.org, “More than six in ten (62%) Americans say they have become more supportive toward transgender rights compared to their views five years ago. By contrast, about one-quarter (25%) say their views are more opposed compared to five years ago.”
Nowadays, a good amount of Len’s family knows he’s a transgender, non-binary person.
“I’ve only ever gotten direct reactions from my mom and my cousin. They both were fine with it, but my other family hasn’t talked to me about it or really acknowledged it.”
Yet, there the stress isn’t over. At school, he still frowns with the constant jokes from classmates. Terms like “traps,” “tranny” and “special snowflakes”are tossed around school, irking Len.
He was “grossed out by it, since those are all labels people have called trans people to be rude or to get a reaction out of them. I’ve mostly felt isolated when I’ve heard transphobic comments coming from other students. I haven’t personally experienced direct harassment for my gender—which I’m very grateful for—but transphobia still lingers.”
You do not need to be male or female to have a soul, a heart, and a mind. People tend to forget the things that make us humans is our emotions, our intellect, and our perspective. People are too quick to stamp a label on someone else’s life. When it comes to the overall discourse of the LGBT community, students are quick to shout “Social Justice Warrior,” “Special Snowflake,” or “Tumblr-based.”
If one’s opinion is ran on callous, baseless stereotypes we feed ourselves—and each other—toxicity lies. A transgender person’s identity does not affect anyone, nor will there be an end to their existence. They are just being themselves. It isn’t a choice, but changing one’s attitude towards transgender people is.
“Some parents are still stuck in the same mindset of the past like gender ‘norms’ and social constructs. I think they should be more open minded. Times are changing and no matter how bad you want things to stay the same, they won’t. Parents should start accepting their kids and taking them places to feel more accepted or even taking them to therapy,” says Len.
To stamp a story—compact of years of raw emotion—with the label “fake” is inhumane. To choose an easily alterable social construct over a life is more unrealistic. It isn’t a joke—it isn’t funny to have your struggles undermined. Jokes like “traps” and “trannies” are just blatantly unnecessary and lessens the actual pain of transgender people.
As a cis person, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand all the details. Yet, I only had to know one thing to understand: Len is Len. He’s one of my closest friends, and he’s human—just like me. If he finds comfort with identifying as a Non-Binary, there’s nothing ridiculous about that.
As someone who’s watched one of my closest friends struggle with this issue for four years—and started off rather uninformed on the subject—I can tell you it isn’t impossible to reconsider a label.
Imagine being trapped in a stranger’s body. You look in the mirror, and you see someone else. Your heart pounds from a mixture of confusion and guilt, boiling to extreme frustration. It doesn’t make sense. Why are you trapped in someone else’s body? You are someone else—you are not a girl, but somehow you got trapped in a female’s body.
You are not female, but you are not male. It doesn’t make sense. Your body genitalia tells another story, but your heart, mind, and soul beg to differ. People both offline and online disregard your struggle as “fake.” Almost as if it were a clickbait title on Youtube, begging for attention. Yet, that is not true. You ask not for attention, but for respect. Nobody listens. Nobody gets it. This is the feeling of body dysphoria.
For high school non-binary students like Len Kade, such a feeling isn’t rare. As a nonbinary junior in a cis-majority city, he finds his gender constantly dismissed even by others. Len uses he/Them pronouns, but is okay with He/Him.
But, wait, wait, wait, what is a “Non-binary” person? Perhaps this is rather confusing without much context, so let me elaborate. Non-binaries might seem like an alien term; it’s a bit new to people outside of the LGBTq+ community.
I admit, even as a bisexual active in the LGBTq+ community, I do not know all the details. I am cis—meaning I Identify with my biological sex—so I conducted some research.
Healthline.com explains non-binaries as: “The term ‘nonbinary’ can mean different things to different people. At its core, it's used to describe someone whose gender identity isn't exclusively male or female.”
People often assume gender is limited to females and males, but gender is a spectrum. Perhaps that sounds blasphemous; I mean, there’s only two types of genitalia, right? However, the misconception lies in the actual definition of gender itself.
National Geographic explains, “Sex determination exists on a spectrum, with genitals, chromosomes, gonads, and hormones all playing a role. Most fit into the male or female category, but about one in a hundred may fall in between. People express gender through clothing, behavior, language, and other outward signs.”
Gender isn’t the equivalent to biological sex. It’s less physical and more on how you portray yourself—It’s emotional. Basically, it’s your identity. It can be a bit confusing to understand, considering cis people identify with their biological sex (that’s based off genitalia). However, sex and gender are not the same.
Healthline.com states, “What’s more, sex isn’t always binary — even on a biological level. One in every 2000 people are born with an intersex condition. Intersex is used to describe people who have chromosomes, anatomy, or other sex characteristics that can’t be categorized as exclusively male or female. The notion that both sex and gender are binary — with everyone fitting into either a male or female box— is a social construct. This system has historically been used to differentiate between biological and gender-related traits in males and females.”
I met Len around May 1st, 2016, on my birthday. I met them online.
I was randomly added to an Instagram group chat. The details of the chat are irrelevant to this story, but I met some of my closest friends now—one of them being Len. I admit I did not know much about them at first. At the time, he did not discover his identity yet. I was still new to the idea of non-binaries, transgender people, and the LGBT Community outside of gay and lesbian.
At the time, Len was still unsure about his gender identity. He started off with female pronouns, then switched in male. During 8th grade (2016), he identified as a transgender male. Yet, neither of these genders seemed to suit him. He was experiencing somewhat of a body dysphoria, but mainly from body weight.
Body dsyphoria—the discomfort of one’s own body—isn’t a rare sight for transgender teenagers.
Kai Contreas, a fellow transgender Senior, explains body dysphoria like “being in a skin with hundreds of needles. It hurts and itches and feels wrong and bad but you can’t take the needles out but things like binding and packing can make the needles go away slightly.”
Nevertheless, things changed near the end of 8th grade.
Wandering online, he learned about non-binaries.
Len explains, “My life as a kid was decent at best. I don't think I ever really questioned my gender until I had found out about the LGBT community online. But before then, I still felt like something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it until I learned about the LGBTq+ community and questioned my gender.”
Things being to click; he wasn’t female or male, he was non-binary.
Len exclaims, “I was actually pretty confident with the feeling of it. It felt like I finally found a missing chunk of myself. I felt like me, a non-binary.”
He began to change his appearance.
Len reports to wearing “really tight sports bras—which probably isn't very good for [his] chest and ribs—since [he] can't afford a binder.”
From that day forward, Len began to use they/them and he/him pronouns.
“Some people have a hard time using they/them pronouns and/or just don't like using them for whatever reason, and since I have a hard time asking people for things more than once, I make it easier for myself and use he/him, since I know it'll be less likely that someone will argue with me about it,” Len explains. “The other reason is that I feel more of a connection to masculinity. Trans people don’t need to be overly masculine or overly feminine to be ‘truly trans.’ Trans men can like feminine coded things and still be men, just like how trans women can like masculine coded things and still be women. Same for non-binary people, they can like all those things and it doesn’t make them any less non-binary.”
However, transitioning as a nonbinary wasn’t as simple as it seems. There was still a lot of anxiety around the situation.
Questions began to pile up in Len’s mind: What if they think I’m lying? What if I am? What if I’m not actually nonbinary? And if I am, will it sound dumb to say so?
With vision clouded with tears, and anxiety biting at his chest, it was difficult. No one he knew what is was like to be nonbinary, so he didn’t know how to approach the issue. His brain was clouded with fear—he cried night after night for years, trying to drown out the topic with music and YouTube.
Yet, it’s difficult to ignore who you are—his mind began to crumble down. It was as if he were submerged in a whirlpool of fears, insecurities, and awful scenarios of the future.
What do I do?
“Before I came out I was terrified of it. I wasn’t sure how anyone would’ve acted since the term non-binary wasn’t heard of or accepted by most people, and despite what most people say, you aren’t completely sure how they’ll act, or if they’ll treat you differently,” says Len. “To come out as nonbinary was scary because I thought they’d think I was doing this to get attention or that I just couldn't make up my mind.”
To some, it may seem harmless to simply come out, but it can actually be rather terrifying. It felt as if it were life or death--if they didn’t accept his identity, would they toss him in the streets? Could the worst happen?
Unfortunately, Len this fear wasn’t too far from the truth for most transgender students.
Americanprocess.org states 44% of homeless gay and transgender youth who attempt suicide, compared to 29 percent of their heterosexual homeless peers.
Furthermore, Gay and transgender youth 8.4x more likely are to attempt suicide if they are rejected by their families in adolescence compared to if they are not rejected by their family. They are also 5.9 times as likely to have experienced depression, 3.4 times as likely to have used illicit drugs, and 3.4 times as likely to have had unprotected sex.
There was little representation or help around 2016. Len didn’t have much help—aside from some online, LGBT friends (including the group chat and myself). He was already out to most of his friends, but his family didn’t know.
Four years passed by.
His mother still didn’t know.
He itched with the desire to tell her, but was stunned by fear. Yet, motivated by the fluttering LGBT media and his supportive peers, he took the risk.
Around June 2019, Len came out as nonbinary to his mother after four years of being in the closet.
“When I came out to my mom I was so overwhelmed and scared I was sobbing, but she was fine with it in the end,” Len states with glee. He’s still in disbelief from it all.
According to prri.org, “More than six in ten (62%) Americans say they have become more supportive toward transgender rights compared to their views five years ago. By contrast, about one-quarter (25%) say their views are more opposed compared to five years ago.”
Nowadays, a good amount of Len’s family knows he’s a transgender, non-binary person.
“I’ve only ever gotten direct reactions from my mom and my cousin. They both were fine with it, but my other family hasn’t talked to me about it or really acknowledged it.”
Yet, there the stress isn’t over. At school, he still frowns with the constant jokes from classmates. Terms like “traps,” “tranny” and “special snowflakes”are tossed around school, irking Len.
He was “grossed out by it, since those are all labels people have called trans people to be rude or to get a reaction out of them. I’ve mostly felt isolated when I’ve heard transphobic comments coming from other students. I haven’t personally experienced direct harassment for my gender—which I’m very grateful for—but transphobia still lingers.”
You do not need to be male or female to have a soul, a heart, and a mind. People tend to forget the things that make us humans is our emotions, our intellect, and our perspective. People are too quick to stamp a label on someone else’s life. When it comes to the overall discourse of the LGBT community, students are quick to shout “Social Justice Warrior,” “Special Snowflake,” or “Tumblr-based.”
If one’s opinion is ran on callous, baseless stereotypes we feed ourselves—and each other—toxicity lies. A transgender person’s identity does not affect anyone, nor will there be an end to their existence. They are just being themselves. It isn’t a choice, but changing one’s attitude towards transgender people is.
“Some parents are still stuck in the same mindset of the past like gender ‘norms’ and social constructs. I think they should be more open minded. Times are changing and no matter how bad you want things to stay the same, they won’t. Parents should start accepting their kids and taking them places to feel more accepted or even taking them to therapy,” says Len.
To stamp a story—compact of years of raw emotion—with the label “fake” is inhumane. To choose an easily alterable social construct over a life is more unrealistic. It isn’t a joke—it isn’t funny to have your struggles undermined. Jokes like “traps” and “trannies” are just blatantly unnecessary and lessens the actual pain of transgender people.
As a cis person, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand all the details. Yet, I only had to know one thing to understand: Len is Len. He’s one of my closest friends, and he’s human—just like me. If he finds comfort with identifying as a Non-Binary, there’s nothing ridiculous about that.
As someone who’s watched one of my closest friends struggle with this issue for four years—and started off rather uninformed on the subject—I can tell you it isn’t impossible to reconsider a label.