By Jazmine Baza
For the first 15 years of my life, I tried to convince myself that my parents loved each other.
However, this attempt to convince myself was merely my imagination, and it wasn't until I was 16 that I confronted reality—my parents were not in love. When you come to terms with such things at a young age, it’s assumed that life just moves on from there.
That’s not always the case; instead it jumbled up the definition of love. It was mixed in with the verbal abuse that bounced around the walls and found its way into my head. It was the ability to simply tolerate a person. It was a merely forced partnership. Anger. Sadness. Guilt. But most of all: I felt the reason “love” was so horrid because it was my fault.
I was so convinced in the idea that taking care of me stressed my parents out to the point that they despised each other, or that they worked so hard to take care of me that they drifted away. I felt that maybe, just maybe, I was an obstacle that struck a crack in my parents’ marriage. I thought that my parents aggravated behavior towards me was a result of me not doing something right.
It felt horrible; it felt that my entire existence was a mistake.
Yet, I would then meet someone who would redefine love for me. Later on in my life, I would meet my best friend. My boyfriend. Someone who I could not live without. Someone who would change my life completely—as cheesy and ignorant as it sounds—Joey Garcia, the person who would redefine love for me.
When my parents officially separated during the summer of 2018, I found it both mentally and physically exhausting. And there was no question about whom I would live with. My father at least had his sister in America, where as I was the only family my mother had in America. They both equally sacrificed a lot—a home, family, possibly even love—for me to get here, so there was a bit of hesitation, but I made my decision.
I remember, very vividly, packing up loads of leggings, jackets, shirts, and colorful stuffed animals into black and white garbage bags since there was too much things to move around and not enough suitcases. There was constant trips back and forth from the old apartment to the new one. The air was dry and the sun sizzled on my skin every time I walked from the car and back. My noodly arms despised carrying ridiculously heavy garbage bags and I did too.
I was okay, but “okay” has such a complex definition nowadays. Is it good? Is it bad? Who knows!
At that moment, to feel “okay” was just as confusing. I was happy they finally split so I didn’t have to bare the toxic relationship and fake joyful family we made. There was no late night crying, or questioning if this is truly the family I deserved. No loud, endless arguments at 2AM in their filipino dialect, Ilocano. No headaches. No love.
It was okay.
I knew it was and was going to be okay. However, to be “okay” felt just as empty. It felt like a black hole replaced my beating heart and left me feeling “okay.”
It’s because I wasn’t okay.
I have finally grown to realize why I acted specific ways. I understood why I acted distant from peers, or felt anxious in new relationships. I always felt, growing up, that to be hard on yourself was a “normal” kid thing. I thought parents fighting everyday was normal, and that to be unmotivated or lost was the equivalent to being lazy. I thought it was normal to always feel sad, or lonely, or confused.
Yet as I packed my bags, looking back at all the old photographs, clothes and plushies stored within the deepest compartments of our old apartment—I realized that wasn’t true. I realized that most of my pictures was either my younger self sad in family pictures, or specifically recall faking a smile for the camera.
Most memories flooded back into my head from looking at all the these items that overwhelmed me with old memories. I was struggling to carry the past and move on—metaphorically and physically speaking.
I was just lying to myself all this time, and I thought it’d make me happy or “normal,” but it just left me empty. Such a feeling would linger for quite a while—just a few months from now, I barely began recovering from it all.
Verywellfamily.com states “There’s research to suggest that a child as young as 6 months old can be negatively affected by harsh parental arguments. But it’s not just young kids who are affected by parents fighting – other studies show young adults, up to age 19, can be sensitive to conflicts in their parents’ marriage.”
In addition, said studies prove that kids can grow depressed, anxious, emotionally insecure, stressed out, and distant from their parents.
Then, my mother and I moved into our new apartment. The rest is history: my bond with my mother is stronger, my parents went their separate ways, and I visit my dad in the weekends when I’m not too busy.
I left out a little detail of this entire experience—my boyfriend who comforted me throughout it all.
I believe a common misconception about Joey Garcia is that he’s insensitive, selfish and dismissive. Such assumptions are not true at all.
If I’m quite honest, such assumptions infuriates to me to an extensive degree; people tend to judge him in his worse state and it’s such a very one-dimensional view on a person. I personally find it morally unjustified to dictate a person’s entire image on a small puzzle piece of said person.
In other words, there is more than a person than just simply black and white or good guy and bad guy. Although there is many struggles and flaws, there is just as many good aspects to him. The entirety of someone isn’t just one shade of color or described in two words—we all grow to have a mixture of numerous characteristics cherry-picked from the life we live. That’s how you should judge a person, in my opinion, of course—don’t go around forcing that idea on anyone.
I say such seemingly-digressive philosophy because for as long as I’ve known him, he has confidently stuck with me when I was in the worst version of myself. I was insensitive, brash, selfish, and hot-headed. He looked beyond that.
“Well, no one has ever understood me as you have. [sic] All the others are like ‘oh, I know him,’ but they always say like stuff I don’t really understand that they think about me. Like how they think how I’m really quiet or like too loud or whatever, and I’m just like eh no one understands me like she does. Of course I have to see it in your perspective as well. This isn’t just a relationship for me; it’s a relationship for us. That’s kind of why we stayed together for like two years or so.”
Over running or shrugging off such a serious topic, he stood by me and accompanied me through it all. Most friends or lovers before Joey left me to bleed it out, or were just too oblivious to understand. It’s hard for me to talk to people—I can’t stress that enough—but thanks to Joey I found hope in being heard.
On behalf of comforting me during those dark days, Joey explains, “I felt troubled and selfish because you were going through a lot at the time, but I couldn’t do anything about it. It’s like I could see you falling and I could try to grab you but I just watched. I’ve made a solemn vow to help my friends when they’re emotionally distressed. Add that with the fact that it’s a family issue, something I’ve struggled with my whole life, I did not want to stand back like an idiot. Love is something that you don’t understand, but you know has your back. It's a feeling you can’t share with anyone, since everyone feels love, like, a different way. What kind of man and boyfriend would I be if I just left you there struggling?”
Twin-cities.umn.edu states, “‘Healthy relationships enable us to be who we are,’ says Mary Jo Kreitzer, Ph.D., R.N., Director of the Center for Spirituality & Healing. ‘They nurture us and they help us grow. They help us become better people.’ Relationships can reduce stress and have been linked to overall improved health. Researchers have even shown that people with healthy social relationships have a 50 percent greater likelihood of survival.”
Throughout the years we’ve dated, Joey has been more than someone I hold hands with. He’s someone I could rant and vent to freely. Everytime I’m sad, he comforts me with a hug, or takes time to play a game of Hearthstone or Brawlhalla with me. Other times it’s rewatching Bojack Horseman or just talking and laughing. He has made me feel worthy of the true aspects of love: patience, understanding, and commitment.
“We’ve had some problems. Like when we broke up for like quite a while. That was my only sort of regret, not gonna lie. The rest we’ve had fights, but I feel like we did learn quite a bit from that and that’s why we’re still together after that big struggle...”
I wanted to get this out of the way: this isn’t a “flex” or any sort of way of presenting our relationship as a golden trophy stacked above the others. No. There was some issues in our relationship—I’m not going to censor that fact. If anything, Joey and I have had such a downfall that we’ve broken up for a brief moment of our lives.
If anything, love isn’t something to show off. It isn’t lust or hormones either. You don’t get a reward for being seemingly perfect. If I were ever asked why I loved Joey Garcia it’s because he is someone who goes against the system. He goes against what everyone says about him, and does things his own way. He’s scared of hurting others, but he takes the time to listen. Most of all, he’s redefined love for a person who’s grown up showered in hatred.
I’ve learned a lot from him, and thanks to him I’ve grown to see the world in a new light.
My parents and I now have a better life. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than what was in the old house we lived. We’re improving, and that’s all that matters.
Love is complex, and it has many, many, confusing layers, but that’s just life. So, you ask, what is love? At the age of 17, I tell you this: it’s being with a person and being the best, true version of yourself, or being inspired by that person, that you fight to be better.
A forced romance won’t do you any good, trust me; don’t let your future child be the first to know that.
For the first 15 years of my life, I tried to convince myself that my parents loved each other.
However, this attempt to convince myself was merely my imagination, and it wasn't until I was 16 that I confronted reality—my parents were not in love. When you come to terms with such things at a young age, it’s assumed that life just moves on from there.
That’s not always the case; instead it jumbled up the definition of love. It was mixed in with the verbal abuse that bounced around the walls and found its way into my head. It was the ability to simply tolerate a person. It was a merely forced partnership. Anger. Sadness. Guilt. But most of all: I felt the reason “love” was so horrid because it was my fault.
I was so convinced in the idea that taking care of me stressed my parents out to the point that they despised each other, or that they worked so hard to take care of me that they drifted away. I felt that maybe, just maybe, I was an obstacle that struck a crack in my parents’ marriage. I thought that my parents aggravated behavior towards me was a result of me not doing something right.
It felt horrible; it felt that my entire existence was a mistake.
Yet, I would then meet someone who would redefine love for me. Later on in my life, I would meet my best friend. My boyfriend. Someone who I could not live without. Someone who would change my life completely—as cheesy and ignorant as it sounds—Joey Garcia, the person who would redefine love for me.
When my parents officially separated during the summer of 2018, I found it both mentally and physically exhausting. And there was no question about whom I would live with. My father at least had his sister in America, where as I was the only family my mother had in America. They both equally sacrificed a lot—a home, family, possibly even love—for me to get here, so there was a bit of hesitation, but I made my decision.
I remember, very vividly, packing up loads of leggings, jackets, shirts, and colorful stuffed animals into black and white garbage bags since there was too much things to move around and not enough suitcases. There was constant trips back and forth from the old apartment to the new one. The air was dry and the sun sizzled on my skin every time I walked from the car and back. My noodly arms despised carrying ridiculously heavy garbage bags and I did too.
I was okay, but “okay” has such a complex definition nowadays. Is it good? Is it bad? Who knows!
At that moment, to feel “okay” was just as confusing. I was happy they finally split so I didn’t have to bare the toxic relationship and fake joyful family we made. There was no late night crying, or questioning if this is truly the family I deserved. No loud, endless arguments at 2AM in their filipino dialect, Ilocano. No headaches. No love.
It was okay.
I knew it was and was going to be okay. However, to be “okay” felt just as empty. It felt like a black hole replaced my beating heart and left me feeling “okay.”
It’s because I wasn’t okay.
I have finally grown to realize why I acted specific ways. I understood why I acted distant from peers, or felt anxious in new relationships. I always felt, growing up, that to be hard on yourself was a “normal” kid thing. I thought parents fighting everyday was normal, and that to be unmotivated or lost was the equivalent to being lazy. I thought it was normal to always feel sad, or lonely, or confused.
Yet as I packed my bags, looking back at all the old photographs, clothes and plushies stored within the deepest compartments of our old apartment—I realized that wasn’t true. I realized that most of my pictures was either my younger self sad in family pictures, or specifically recall faking a smile for the camera.
Most memories flooded back into my head from looking at all the these items that overwhelmed me with old memories. I was struggling to carry the past and move on—metaphorically and physically speaking.
I was just lying to myself all this time, and I thought it’d make me happy or “normal,” but it just left me empty. Such a feeling would linger for quite a while—just a few months from now, I barely began recovering from it all.
Verywellfamily.com states “There’s research to suggest that a child as young as 6 months old can be negatively affected by harsh parental arguments. But it’s not just young kids who are affected by parents fighting – other studies show young adults, up to age 19, can be sensitive to conflicts in their parents’ marriage.”
In addition, said studies prove that kids can grow depressed, anxious, emotionally insecure, stressed out, and distant from their parents.
Then, my mother and I moved into our new apartment. The rest is history: my bond with my mother is stronger, my parents went their separate ways, and I visit my dad in the weekends when I’m not too busy.
I left out a little detail of this entire experience—my boyfriend who comforted me throughout it all.
I believe a common misconception about Joey Garcia is that he’s insensitive, selfish and dismissive. Such assumptions are not true at all.
If I’m quite honest, such assumptions infuriates to me to an extensive degree; people tend to judge him in his worse state and it’s such a very one-dimensional view on a person. I personally find it morally unjustified to dictate a person’s entire image on a small puzzle piece of said person.
In other words, there is more than a person than just simply black and white or good guy and bad guy. Although there is many struggles and flaws, there is just as many good aspects to him. The entirety of someone isn’t just one shade of color or described in two words—we all grow to have a mixture of numerous characteristics cherry-picked from the life we live. That’s how you should judge a person, in my opinion, of course—don’t go around forcing that idea on anyone.
I say such seemingly-digressive philosophy because for as long as I’ve known him, he has confidently stuck with me when I was in the worst version of myself. I was insensitive, brash, selfish, and hot-headed. He looked beyond that.
“Well, no one has ever understood me as you have. [sic] All the others are like ‘oh, I know him,’ but they always say like stuff I don’t really understand that they think about me. Like how they think how I’m really quiet or like too loud or whatever, and I’m just like eh no one understands me like she does. Of course I have to see it in your perspective as well. This isn’t just a relationship for me; it’s a relationship for us. That’s kind of why we stayed together for like two years or so.”
Over running or shrugging off such a serious topic, he stood by me and accompanied me through it all. Most friends or lovers before Joey left me to bleed it out, or were just too oblivious to understand. It’s hard for me to talk to people—I can’t stress that enough—but thanks to Joey I found hope in being heard.
On behalf of comforting me during those dark days, Joey explains, “I felt troubled and selfish because you were going through a lot at the time, but I couldn’t do anything about it. It’s like I could see you falling and I could try to grab you but I just watched. I’ve made a solemn vow to help my friends when they’re emotionally distressed. Add that with the fact that it’s a family issue, something I’ve struggled with my whole life, I did not want to stand back like an idiot. Love is something that you don’t understand, but you know has your back. It's a feeling you can’t share with anyone, since everyone feels love, like, a different way. What kind of man and boyfriend would I be if I just left you there struggling?”
Twin-cities.umn.edu states, “‘Healthy relationships enable us to be who we are,’ says Mary Jo Kreitzer, Ph.D., R.N., Director of the Center for Spirituality & Healing. ‘They nurture us and they help us grow. They help us become better people.’ Relationships can reduce stress and have been linked to overall improved health. Researchers have even shown that people with healthy social relationships have a 50 percent greater likelihood of survival.”
Throughout the years we’ve dated, Joey has been more than someone I hold hands with. He’s someone I could rant and vent to freely. Everytime I’m sad, he comforts me with a hug, or takes time to play a game of Hearthstone or Brawlhalla with me. Other times it’s rewatching Bojack Horseman or just talking and laughing. He has made me feel worthy of the true aspects of love: patience, understanding, and commitment.
“We’ve had some problems. Like when we broke up for like quite a while. That was my only sort of regret, not gonna lie. The rest we’ve had fights, but I feel like we did learn quite a bit from that and that’s why we’re still together after that big struggle...”
I wanted to get this out of the way: this isn’t a “flex” or any sort of way of presenting our relationship as a golden trophy stacked above the others. No. There was some issues in our relationship—I’m not going to censor that fact. If anything, Joey and I have had such a downfall that we’ve broken up for a brief moment of our lives.
If anything, love isn’t something to show off. It isn’t lust or hormones either. You don’t get a reward for being seemingly perfect. If I were ever asked why I loved Joey Garcia it’s because he is someone who goes against the system. He goes against what everyone says about him, and does things his own way. He’s scared of hurting others, but he takes the time to listen. Most of all, he’s redefined love for a person who’s grown up showered in hatred.
I’ve learned a lot from him, and thanks to him I’ve grown to see the world in a new light.
My parents and I now have a better life. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than what was in the old house we lived. We’re improving, and that’s all that matters.
Love is complex, and it has many, many, confusing layers, but that’s just life. So, you ask, what is love? At the age of 17, I tell you this: it’s being with a person and being the best, true version of yourself, or being inspired by that person, that you fight to be better.
A forced romance won’t do you any good, trust me; don’t let your future child be the first to know that.
I believe a common misconception about Joey Garcia is that he’s insensitive, selfish and dismissive. Such assumptions are not true at all.
If I’m quite honest, such assumptions infuriates to me to an extensive degree; people tend to judge him in his worse state and it’s such a very one-dimensional view on a person. I personally find it morally unjustified to dictate a person’s entire image on a small puzzle piece of said person.
In other words, there is more than a person than just simply black and white or good guy and bad guy. Although there is many struggles and flaws, there is just as many good aspects to him. The entirety of someone isn’t just one shade of color or described in two words—we all grow to have a mixture of numerous characteristics cherry-picked from the life we live. That’s how you should judge a person, in my opinion, of course—don’t go around forcing that idea on anyone.
I say such seemingly-digressive philosophy because for as long as I’ve known him, he has confidently stuck with me when I was in the worst version of myself. I was insensitive, brash, selfish, and hot-headed. He looked beyond that.
“Well, no one has ever understood me as you have. [sic] All the others are like ‘oh, I know him,’ but they always say like stuff I don’t really understand that they think about me. Like how they think how I’m really quiet or like too loud or whatever, and I’m just like eh no one understands me like she does. Of course I have to see it in your perspective as well. This isn’t just a relationship for me; it’s a relationship for us. That’s kind of why we stayed together for like two years or so.”
Over running or shrugging off such a serious topic, he stood by me and accompanied me through it all. Most friends or lovers before Joey left me to bleed it out, or were just too oblivious to understand. It’s hard for me to talk to people—I can’t stress that enough—but thanks to Joey I found hope in being heard.
On behalf of comforting me during those dark days, Joey explains, “I felt troubled and selfish because you were going through a lot at the time, but I couldn’t do anything about it. It’s like I could see you falling and I could try to grab you but I just watched. I’ve made a solemn vow to help my friends when they’re emotionally distressed. Add that with the fact that it’s a family issue, something I’ve struggled with my whole life, I did not want to stand back like an idiot. Love is something that you don’t understand, but you know has your back. It's a feeling you can’t share with anyone, since everyone feels love, like, a different way. What kind of man and boyfriend would I be if I just left you there struggling?”
Twin-cities.umn.edu states, “‘Healthy relationships enable us to be who we are,’ says Mary Jo Kreitzer, Ph.D., R.N., Director of the Center for Spirituality & Healing. ‘They nurture us and they help us grow. They help us become better people.’ Relationships can reduce stress and have been linked to overall improved health. Researchers have even shown that people with healthy social relationships have a 50 percent greater likelihood of survival.”
Throughout the years we’ve dated, Joey has been more than someone I hold hands with. He’s someone I could rant and vent to freely. Everytime I’m sad, he comforts me with a hug, or takes time to play a game of Hearthstone or Brawlhalla with me. Other times it’s rewatching Bojack Horseman or just talking and laughing. He has made me feel worthy of the true aspects of love: patience, understanding, and commitment.
“We’ve had some problems. Like when we broke up for like quite a while. That was my only sort of regret, not gonna lie. The rest we’ve had fights, but I feel like we did learn quite a bit from that and that’s why we’re still together after that big struggle...”
I wanted to get this out of the way: this isn’t a “flex” or any sort of way of presenting our relationship as a golden trophy stacked above the others. No. There was some issues in our relationship—I’m not going to censor that fact. If anything, Joey and I have had such a downfall that we’ve broken up for a brief moment of our lives.
If anything, love isn’t something to show off. It isn’t lust or hormones either. You don’t get a reward for being seemingly perfect. If I were ever asked why I loved Joey Garcia it’s because he is someone who goes against the system. He goes against what everyone says about him, and does things his own way. He’s scared of hurting others, but he takes the time to listen. Most of all, he’s redefined love for a person who’s grown up showered in hatred.
I’ve learned a lot from him, and thanks to him I’ve grown to see the world in a new light.
My parents and I now have a better life. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than what was in the old house we lived. We’re improving, and that’s all that matters.
Love is complex, and it has many, many, confusing layers, but that’s just life. So, you ask, what is love? At the age of 17, I tell you this: it’s being with a person and being the best, true version of yourself, or being inspired by that person, that you fight to be better.
A forced romance won’t do you any good, trust me; don’t let your future child be the first to know that.
If I’m quite honest, such assumptions infuriates to me to an extensive degree; people tend to judge him in his worse state and it’s such a very one-dimensional view on a person. I personally find it morally unjustified to dictate a person’s entire image on a small puzzle piece of said person.
In other words, there is more than a person than just simply black and white or good guy and bad guy. Although there is many struggles and flaws, there is just as many good aspects to him. The entirety of someone isn’t just one shade of color or described in two words—we all grow to have a mixture of numerous characteristics cherry-picked from the life we live. That’s how you should judge a person, in my opinion, of course—don’t go around forcing that idea on anyone.
I say such seemingly-digressive philosophy because for as long as I’ve known him, he has confidently stuck with me when I was in the worst version of myself. I was insensitive, brash, selfish, and hot-headed. He looked beyond that.
“Well, no one has ever understood me as you have. [sic] All the others are like ‘oh, I know him,’ but they always say like stuff I don’t really understand that they think about me. Like how they think how I’m really quiet or like too loud or whatever, and I’m just like eh no one understands me like she does. Of course I have to see it in your perspective as well. This isn’t just a relationship for me; it’s a relationship for us. That’s kind of why we stayed together for like two years or so.”
Over running or shrugging off such a serious topic, he stood by me and accompanied me through it all. Most friends or lovers before Joey left me to bleed it out, or were just too oblivious to understand. It’s hard for me to talk to people—I can’t stress that enough—but thanks to Joey I found hope in being heard.
On behalf of comforting me during those dark days, Joey explains, “I felt troubled and selfish because you were going through a lot at the time, but I couldn’t do anything about it. It’s like I could see you falling and I could try to grab you but I just watched. I’ve made a solemn vow to help my friends when they’re emotionally distressed. Add that with the fact that it’s a family issue, something I’ve struggled with my whole life, I did not want to stand back like an idiot. Love is something that you don’t understand, but you know has your back. It's a feeling you can’t share with anyone, since everyone feels love, like, a different way. What kind of man and boyfriend would I be if I just left you there struggling?”
Twin-cities.umn.edu states, “‘Healthy relationships enable us to be who we are,’ says Mary Jo Kreitzer, Ph.D., R.N., Director of the Center for Spirituality & Healing. ‘They nurture us and they help us grow. They help us become better people.’ Relationships can reduce stress and have been linked to overall improved health. Researchers have even shown that people with healthy social relationships have a 50 percent greater likelihood of survival.”
Throughout the years we’ve dated, Joey has been more than someone I hold hands with. He’s someone I could rant and vent to freely. Everytime I’m sad, he comforts me with a hug, or takes time to play a game of Hearthstone or Brawlhalla with me. Other times it’s rewatching Bojack Horseman or just talking and laughing. He has made me feel worthy of the true aspects of love: patience, understanding, and commitment.
“We’ve had some problems. Like when we broke up for like quite a while. That was my only sort of regret, not gonna lie. The rest we’ve had fights, but I feel like we did learn quite a bit from that and that’s why we’re still together after that big struggle...”
I wanted to get this out of the way: this isn’t a “flex” or any sort of way of presenting our relationship as a golden trophy stacked above the others. No. There was some issues in our relationship—I’m not going to censor that fact. If anything, Joey and I have had such a downfall that we’ve broken up for a brief moment of our lives.
If anything, love isn’t something to show off. It isn’t lust or hormones either. You don’t get a reward for being seemingly perfect. If I were ever asked why I loved Joey Garcia it’s because he is someone who goes against the system. He goes against what everyone says about him, and does things his own way. He’s scared of hurting others, but he takes the time to listen. Most of all, he’s redefined love for a person who’s grown up showered in hatred.
I’ve learned a lot from him, and thanks to him I’ve grown to see the world in a new light.
My parents and I now have a better life. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than what was in the old house we lived. We’re improving, and that’s all that matters.
Love is complex, and it has many, many, confusing layers, but that’s just life. So, you ask, what is love? At the age of 17, I tell you this: it’s being with a person and being the best, true version of yourself, or being inspired by that person, that you fight to be better.
A forced romance won’t do you any good, trust me; don’t let your future child be the first to know that.