By Itzel Hernandez
Our parents are one of the most important people we can have in our life. The relationship shared between a parent and a child can impact their overall upbringing. But what happens if that relationship isn’t good from the beginning?
According to ParentIn, the relationship between a parent and child is one that nurtures the physical, emotional and social development of the child. It lays the foundation of a child’s personality, life choices and overall behaviour. It even determines the strength of their social, physical, mental and emotional health.
My mom and I have a bond that I had never imagined having with her. My mom is one of the most important people in my life. She has profoundly influenced the person who I am to this day. But it wasn’t always this way, as far as my relationship with my mom goes it's fair to say it has come a long way.
One might assume that in order to have a good relationship with a parent it has to be good from the very beginning but that’s not always the case. Not all relationships are perfect from the beginning. For me, my relationship with my mom was never good from the start. If I had to describe our relationship it would have to be distant and almost non existent.
It started after my parents separated, I returned with my mom to Oaxaca while my dad stayed in Mexico City. Living with my mom during this period was hard, not only for me but for her as well.
My family felt broken. I was stuck in the middle of everything not knowing where to go. This also marked the beginning of my rebellious behavior. I believed that the only way I could get my parents back together, was by attracting attention towards me. This ended up not working, instead it made things harder for everyone, including myself.
The flaws within our relationship became very prominent during this period of time. Due to our necessity, my mom would constantly be working without having time for me. However, my rebellious behavior only added to this already immense pressure.
My mom had become verbally abusive towards me and at times physically. She would project her stress and anger towards me because she believed it was a form of discipline for my behavior.
According to VeryWellFamily, children in divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, impulsive behavior, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce.
After living in Oaxaca with my mom, I moved back to Mexico City to live with my dad. I had always had a better relationship with my dad compared to my mom. So upon hearing the news I was very excited not looking back at the time I spent with my mom.
“Conmigo era muy...eras muy distante y con el no con era más..eras mas cariñosa pues porque siempre pasabas tiempo con él y no con migo y también fue basada por medio de mentiras porque nunca te dijeron lo que en realidad pasó por eso fue que tu pensabas..pensabas lo peor de mi pero fue porque hubo terceras personas que metieron cizaña en nuestra relacion y pues con tu papá era diferente.”
{With me it was very...you were very distant and with you were more...you were more affectionate with him because you always spent time with him and not with me...it was also based on lies because they never told you what really happened and because of that...that you thought the worst of me but it was because there were third people who put hatred within our relationship and with your dad things were different.}”
While my dad worked, I spent time with my grandmother who was for the most part was the person who influenced me the most during this time. Throughout the time I spent with her, she would make comments regarding my mom which were never good.
She claimed the reason for which I was living with my dad and not my mom was because she did not want me. My grandma would constantly remind me that my mom did not care for me so I shouldn’t be thinking of her because she was the one that abandoned me.
During the time I was living with my dad, my mom never forgot her responsibility over me. She would call everyday to check up on me and even provide for me regardless of her absence. Despite her efforts, my grandma would always hide these type of things from me. My grandma would constantly neglect my mother’s phone calls with me, making random excuses why I could not come to the phone. My grandma did her best to prevent me from having any sorts of connection with my mom. Since I never heard anything regarding my mom, I came to a conclusion she had forgotten about me.
I had believed everything my grandma said. I had made myself believe my mom did not care for me, which lead to many of my conflicted feelings towards my mom. This led to me developing hatred towards my mom. I could recall the times I said it was her fault our family had fallen apart, who knew I was saying those words blindly. Most of my actions and words were just a reflection of what I was being told.
Our parents are one of the most important people we can have in our life. The relationship shared between a parent and a child can impact their overall upbringing. But what happens if that relationship isn’t good from the beginning?
According to ParentIn, the relationship between a parent and child is one that nurtures the physical, emotional and social development of the child. It lays the foundation of a child’s personality, life choices and overall behaviour. It even determines the strength of their social, physical, mental and emotional health.
My mom and I have a bond that I had never imagined having with her. My mom is one of the most important people in my life. She has profoundly influenced the person who I am to this day. But it wasn’t always this way, as far as my relationship with my mom goes it's fair to say it has come a long way.
One might assume that in order to have a good relationship with a parent it has to be good from the very beginning but that’s not always the case. Not all relationships are perfect from the beginning. For me, my relationship with my mom was never good from the start. If I had to describe our relationship it would have to be distant and almost non existent.
It started after my parents separated, I returned with my mom to Oaxaca while my dad stayed in Mexico City. Living with my mom during this period was hard, not only for me but for her as well.
My family felt broken. I was stuck in the middle of everything not knowing where to go. This also marked the beginning of my rebellious behavior. I believed that the only way I could get my parents back together, was by attracting attention towards me. This ended up not working, instead it made things harder for everyone, including myself.
The flaws within our relationship became very prominent during this period of time. Due to our necessity, my mom would constantly be working without having time for me. However, my rebellious behavior only added to this already immense pressure.
My mom had become verbally abusive towards me and at times physically. She would project her stress and anger towards me because she believed it was a form of discipline for my behavior.
According to VeryWellFamily, children in divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, impulsive behavior, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce.
After living in Oaxaca with my mom, I moved back to Mexico City to live with my dad. I had always had a better relationship with my dad compared to my mom. So upon hearing the news I was very excited not looking back at the time I spent with my mom.
“Conmigo era muy...eras muy distante y con el no con era más..eras mas cariñosa pues porque siempre pasabas tiempo con él y no con migo y también fue basada por medio de mentiras porque nunca te dijeron lo que en realidad pasó por eso fue que tu pensabas..pensabas lo peor de mi pero fue porque hubo terceras personas que metieron cizaña en nuestra relacion y pues con tu papá era diferente.”
{With me it was very...you were very distant and with you were more...you were more affectionate with him because you always spent time with him and not with me...it was also based on lies because they never told you what really happened and because of that...that you thought the worst of me but it was because there were third people who put hatred within our relationship and with your dad things were different.}”
While my dad worked, I spent time with my grandmother who was for the most part was the person who influenced me the most during this time. Throughout the time I spent with her, she would make comments regarding my mom which were never good.
She claimed the reason for which I was living with my dad and not my mom was because she did not want me. My grandma would constantly remind me that my mom did not care for me so I shouldn’t be thinking of her because she was the one that abandoned me.
During the time I was living with my dad, my mom never forgot her responsibility over me. She would call everyday to check up on me and even provide for me regardless of her absence. Despite her efforts, my grandma would always hide these type of things from me. My grandma would constantly neglect my mother’s phone calls with me, making random excuses why I could not come to the phone. My grandma did her best to prevent me from having any sorts of connection with my mom. Since I never heard anything regarding my mom, I came to a conclusion she had forgotten about me.
I had believed everything my grandma said. I had made myself believe my mom did not care for me, which lead to many of my conflicted feelings towards my mom. This led to me developing hatred towards my mom. I could recall the times I said it was her fault our family had fallen apart, who knew I was saying those words blindly. Most of my actions and words were just a reflection of what I was being told.
Regardless of my hatred towards my mom, a part of me still wanted to feel close towards my mom. The thought of my mom not caring for me, only saddened me and reminded me of the unlikely hood of a perfect family.
During the time I was living with my dad I was unaware of two things. The first, being that my mom had come to live to the United States and second, being she was planning to bring me here without telling my dad or me.
“Cuando me veni para acá, empecé a valorar más, el que tu no estuvieras conmigo, por eso fue que yo te traje conmigo, porque cuando yo te llamaba nunca me contestabas o siempre te negaban conmigo, por eso fue que también me empese a motivar más, que quería traer para acá para que tuvieras un mejor futuro.”
{When I came here I started to value the fact that you were not with me, that's why when I brought you with me...when I called you never answered me or they would always denied me contact...that's why I also started motivating myself more that I wanted to bring you here to have a better future.}”
My first response to being brought here to live with my mom was anger. I hated the idea of living with my mom and having to leave my home far away from my dad. I was very rebellious prior to me coming to live with my mom. Moving only made it worse.
I recall the first time seeing her after so many years. She immediately pulled me to an embrace and started crying. I stood there emotionless recalling the things my grandma had told me. The main thought that surfaced my mind was why had my mom brought me to live with her if she did not care.
Many challenges came up when my mom was first trying to move forward with our relationship. I was fixated with the idea that my mom did not care for me. I would neglect listening to her truth about the whole situation. Instead of addressing the issue, I only screamed and demanded her to leave me alone. I would even threatened her by saying that I would call the police on her, so they could take her away. I kept looking back to the past rather than the present or the future.
“Una dificultad que vi fue pues era..la dificultad que yo veía en ti conmigo era de que tu me decias..yo te decía...tu me preguntabas el porque yo te había traído a esta pais que tu no conocias que tu no querias estar conmigo que tu querias estar con tu papá y yo te explicaba las cosas te decía que estuvieras conmigo para tuvieras una mejor education mi sueño era que aprendieras el inglés, fueras a la universidad pero tu no querias eso..lo que tu querías en ese tiempo era estar con tu papá.”
{One difficulty that I saw was was ... the difficulty that I saw in you with me was that you told me...I told you...you asked me why I had brought you to this country that you did not know...you said you did not you want to be with me that you wanted to be with your dad and I explained things to you that you were with me to have a better education...my dream was for you to learned English, for you to go to university but you did not want that...what you wanted in that time was to be with your dad.}”
As bad as things were looking to be, things started becoming better. My eyes were finally being open after learning my mom’s truth. I began to open up to her and hearing what she had to say. To my surprise it was the first time I began to actually getting to know her.
“Cambiaron muchas cosas yo empecé a estar más cerca de ti platicamos de lo que había pasado ya tu empezabas a tener mas comunicacion ya me sentia mas agusto porque tú estabas conmigo está feliz de que yo había logrado que tu estuvieras aquí.”
{Many things changed I began to be closer to you, we started talked about what had happened and we started to have more communication and I felt more comfortable because you were with me, happy that you were with me here.}”
As I began to bond with her, I became aware of the change she underwent. She had acknowledged her mistakes, not only that but she had committed to reversing those mistakes.
According to Quartz, the tenor of the mother-daughter relationship over time has to do with the mother’s ability to grow and change in the relationship. The mother–daughter relationship is also most likely to remain important for both parties.
What it all comes down to is the change we underwent as people in order for our relationship to work. If we didn’t let ourselves grow as people nor would have our relationship.
“E cambiado mucho..he cambiado mucho mucho he cambiado cuan..cuando yo te traje para acá una de mis..mis promesas que si tu llegabas a estar conmigo que yo iba cambiar muchas cosas que ya no iba...porque al principio yo si te gritaba te pegaba pero después pasaron muchas cosas dije..empecé a valorar todo...todo contigo pues dije yo que nada de eso si iba volver a repetir y eso fue… eso fue el cambio que yo hice así contigo.”
{I've changed a lot, I've changed so much...when I brought you here one of my...my promise was that if you came here with me I would change many things...because in the beginning I would shout and hit you but afterwards many things happened...I began to value everything… everything with you, because I said that none of this would happen again..that was the change that I did for you.}”
Despite our differences and hardships, we were able to overcome everything together. Our relationship might have gotten a rough start, but even with an obstacle like that, it did not stop us from overcoming what seemed like the inevitable doom of our relationship. One may say our love evolved throughout time.
During the time I was living with my dad I was unaware of two things. The first, being that my mom had come to live to the United States and second, being she was planning to bring me here without telling my dad or me.
“Cuando me veni para acá, empecé a valorar más, el que tu no estuvieras conmigo, por eso fue que yo te traje conmigo, porque cuando yo te llamaba nunca me contestabas o siempre te negaban conmigo, por eso fue que también me empese a motivar más, que quería traer para acá para que tuvieras un mejor futuro.”
{When I came here I started to value the fact that you were not with me, that's why when I brought you with me...when I called you never answered me or they would always denied me contact...that's why I also started motivating myself more that I wanted to bring you here to have a better future.}”
My first response to being brought here to live with my mom was anger. I hated the idea of living with my mom and having to leave my home far away from my dad. I was very rebellious prior to me coming to live with my mom. Moving only made it worse.
I recall the first time seeing her after so many years. She immediately pulled me to an embrace and started crying. I stood there emotionless recalling the things my grandma had told me. The main thought that surfaced my mind was why had my mom brought me to live with her if she did not care.
Many challenges came up when my mom was first trying to move forward with our relationship. I was fixated with the idea that my mom did not care for me. I would neglect listening to her truth about the whole situation. Instead of addressing the issue, I only screamed and demanded her to leave me alone. I would even threatened her by saying that I would call the police on her, so they could take her away. I kept looking back to the past rather than the present or the future.
“Una dificultad que vi fue pues era..la dificultad que yo veía en ti conmigo era de que tu me decias..yo te decía...tu me preguntabas el porque yo te había traído a esta pais que tu no conocias que tu no querias estar conmigo que tu querias estar con tu papá y yo te explicaba las cosas te decía que estuvieras conmigo para tuvieras una mejor education mi sueño era que aprendieras el inglés, fueras a la universidad pero tu no querias eso..lo que tu querías en ese tiempo era estar con tu papá.”
{One difficulty that I saw was was ... the difficulty that I saw in you with me was that you told me...I told you...you asked me why I had brought you to this country that you did not know...you said you did not you want to be with me that you wanted to be with your dad and I explained things to you that you were with me to have a better education...my dream was for you to learned English, for you to go to university but you did not want that...what you wanted in that time was to be with your dad.}”
As bad as things were looking to be, things started becoming better. My eyes were finally being open after learning my mom’s truth. I began to open up to her and hearing what she had to say. To my surprise it was the first time I began to actually getting to know her.
“Cambiaron muchas cosas yo empecé a estar más cerca de ti platicamos de lo que había pasado ya tu empezabas a tener mas comunicacion ya me sentia mas agusto porque tú estabas conmigo está feliz de que yo había logrado que tu estuvieras aquí.”
{Many things changed I began to be closer to you, we started talked about what had happened and we started to have more communication and I felt more comfortable because you were with me, happy that you were with me here.}”
As I began to bond with her, I became aware of the change she underwent. She had acknowledged her mistakes, not only that but she had committed to reversing those mistakes.
According to Quartz, the tenor of the mother-daughter relationship over time has to do with the mother’s ability to grow and change in the relationship. The mother–daughter relationship is also most likely to remain important for both parties.
What it all comes down to is the change we underwent as people in order for our relationship to work. If we didn’t let ourselves grow as people nor would have our relationship.
“E cambiado mucho..he cambiado mucho mucho he cambiado cuan..cuando yo te traje para acá una de mis..mis promesas que si tu llegabas a estar conmigo que yo iba cambiar muchas cosas que ya no iba...porque al principio yo si te gritaba te pegaba pero después pasaron muchas cosas dije..empecé a valorar todo...todo contigo pues dije yo que nada de eso si iba volver a repetir y eso fue… eso fue el cambio que yo hice así contigo.”
{I've changed a lot, I've changed so much...when I brought you here one of my...my promise was that if you came here with me I would change many things...because in the beginning I would shout and hit you but afterwards many things happened...I began to value everything… everything with you, because I said that none of this would happen again..that was the change that I did for you.}”
Despite our differences and hardships, we were able to overcome everything together. Our relationship might have gotten a rough start, but even with an obstacle like that, it did not stop us from overcoming what seemed like the inevitable doom of our relationship. One may say our love evolved throughout time.