by Alexa Fe Perez Torres
It’s heartbreaking knowing that my own father chose drugs and alcohol over me and my mother, his former partner. I have all this rage and confusion that has always been running through my body nonstop.
I’m always asking myself, “Why would you do those things to my mother, if you supposedly wanted a child? I come into the world and then you walk the other way.”
My biological father made my mother go through so much suffering because he “really wanted” her to have his child. His way of getting what he wanted was by domestically abusing her for a long time. Usually it was when he was high on drugs or drunk.
They got a divorce because my biological father didn’t want to give up his addictions. Someone isn’t a father if he begets and leaves; a father is someone who raises and loves his children unconditionally.
My mother and I then moved from Winton to San Jose, to find a better place away from him and his negativity. Being a single parent was already hard enough. It was very tough on my mother because she wasn’t physically and mentally ready in the first place; she was forced into it all. She didn’t have enough money to buy our basic needs: not being able to buy healthy food, only having a taste of canned food, not being able to buy clothes as I was growing very quickly, etc.
This always got to me. I have always been feeling so many types of emotions: from confusion on why he basically left, to sadness on how I don’t have him in my life, to indignation on how I’m not able to have my biological father with me like others, to despair on not being able to have a good relationship with him in a couple of years, if death does its part before I start living the future I want.
I wish he would have been a better person and not just think of what makes him temporarily happy. Why not think about what would make him happy for a long of period time? Unfortunately, you can’t make people do things they don’t desire. A daughter should not have to beg her father for a relationship.
I have always missed his presence in my life; all these years have been really hard for me to live in his absence. When Father’s Day arrives every year, or I go to quinceaneras, there’s always a difficult feeling inside me that gets to me hard like a high pressured water hose smashing through a window.
Growing up, I felt all this rage building up inside me over time because of this and it bottled up. I now take my anger out on others without meaning to. I’m trying to fix this to become a better person than my biological father. I still hope the best for him, even after all the pain he caused my mother and I to endure for many years.
I’m always asking myself, “Why would you do those things to my mother, if you supposedly wanted a child? I come into the world and then you walk the other way.”
My biological father made my mother go through so much suffering because he “really wanted” her to have his child. His way of getting what he wanted was by domestically abusing her for a long time. Usually it was when he was high on drugs or drunk.
They got a divorce because my biological father didn’t want to give up his addictions. Someone isn’t a father if he begets and leaves; a father is someone who raises and loves his children unconditionally.
My mother and I then moved from Winton to San Jose, to find a better place away from him and his negativity. Being a single parent was already hard enough. It was very tough on my mother because she wasn’t physically and mentally ready in the first place; she was forced into it all. She didn’t have enough money to buy our basic needs: not being able to buy healthy food, only having a taste of canned food, not being able to buy clothes as I was growing very quickly, etc.
This always got to me. I have always been feeling so many types of emotions: from confusion on why he basically left, to sadness on how I don’t have him in my life, to indignation on how I’m not able to have my biological father with me like others, to despair on not being able to have a good relationship with him in a couple of years, if death does its part before I start living the future I want.
I wish he would have been a better person and not just think of what makes him temporarily happy. Why not think about what would make him happy for a long of period time? Unfortunately, you can’t make people do things they don’t desire. A daughter should not have to beg her father for a relationship.
I have always missed his presence in my life; all these years have been really hard for me to live in his absence. When Father’s Day arrives every year, or I go to quinceaneras, there’s always a difficult feeling inside me that gets to me hard like a high pressured water hose smashing through a window.
Growing up, I felt all this rage building up inside me over time because of this and it bottled up. I now take my anger out on others without meaning to. I’m trying to fix this to become a better person than my biological father. I still hope the best for him, even after all the pain he caused my mother and I to endure for many years.