by Joan Montecillo
Have you ever thought about building a time machine to step back into the past in order to alter a point in time? Maybe even had the thought of stopping time at that moment just to relive it all on the broken record of time? I used to. It was always on my mind until I realized that if it were to possible, lies would turn into a continuous cycle of playing with time itself.
I’m not exactly sure when all the lying started, for all I know I’ve never felt I had confidence in myself to be spoken true. I was already shy and timid to begin with, and speaking to others wasn’t something I was too experienced with either.
When others approach me, I get defensive and instinctively put my guard up. Usually, this would lead to really embarrassing awkward situations. Later, I’d look back to it, wanting to burrow myself in a nonexistent imaginary hole. Yet to find myself laughing out of nowhere at the memory of it.
At first I had thought maybe it’s my insecurities of myself would be the sole reason for slipping out these unintentional lies. Then I realize that it started to feel natural and that scared me. It got to the point where I kept everything to myself, admitting my various lies and carrying the regret I felt.
My friends noticed the cover in the lies, I noticed they were avoiding me. It was my first time being social so I didn't understand why I felt so excluded and feeling disheartened at the way they were treating me. It wasn’t till a few years later through observing the friendship of others and hardships they’ve gone through with each other that I started to feel regret.
It made me continue looking back into the past thinking, "I should've done this," or "I shouldn't have done that." It was a constant debate with my self conscience expecting what my actions are supposed to be. I forced myself to be careful with what I say, and it began to feel complicated to express what I felt.
Since then i’ve tried to be honest with myself with feelings that are true. To top it off, I was able to reach out to one of my friends from back then, who is now one of my best friends, near family. It’s a blessing to be given a second chance at a more honest life as well to finally crumble down this insecure wall of mine.
I’m not exactly sure when all the lying started, for all I know I’ve never felt I had confidence in myself to be spoken true. I was already shy and timid to begin with, and speaking to others wasn’t something I was too experienced with either.
When others approach me, I get defensive and instinctively put my guard up. Usually, this would lead to really embarrassing awkward situations. Later, I’d look back to it, wanting to burrow myself in a nonexistent imaginary hole. Yet to find myself laughing out of nowhere at the memory of it.
At first I had thought maybe it’s my insecurities of myself would be the sole reason for slipping out these unintentional lies. Then I realize that it started to feel natural and that scared me. It got to the point where I kept everything to myself, admitting my various lies and carrying the regret I felt.
My friends noticed the cover in the lies, I noticed they were avoiding me. It was my first time being social so I didn't understand why I felt so excluded and feeling disheartened at the way they were treating me. It wasn’t till a few years later through observing the friendship of others and hardships they’ve gone through with each other that I started to feel regret.
It made me continue looking back into the past thinking, "I should've done this," or "I shouldn't have done that." It was a constant debate with my self conscience expecting what my actions are supposed to be. I forced myself to be careful with what I say, and it began to feel complicated to express what I felt.
Since then i’ve tried to be honest with myself with feelings that are true. To top it off, I was able to reach out to one of my friends from back then, who is now one of my best friends, near family. It’s a blessing to be given a second chance at a more honest life as well to finally crumble down this insecure wall of mine.