By Jacqueline Sumano
There were days where I would feel like my friends didn’t want me anymore. Days where tears would run down through my face due to fighting with them. A day when we gave up on each other. When the word happiness didn’t even exist in my mind. A day when I lost my second family.
It was during the summer of 2017, I was home alone waiting for someone to text me but I didn’t receive any messages. Not a single message saying “Hey how are you doing?” or “ How’s your break so far?” Nothing but a blank screen. I started to overthink which is a bad habit of mine. I started to think that no one cared about me or wanted me around. I felt like my friends didn’t want me anymore because I felt ignored. I felt like they hated me, I didn’t have any reasons on how they would hate me but I would just feel it.
There would be many days where I would cry myself to sleep because I would overthink. Until one day I lost it. I texted my friends since that was the only way to communicate with them. I told them that I didn’t want to be their friend anymore. I gave them no reasons, I just said goodbye. They were all confused, they had no clue on what was going on. They tried to talk to me and work out things but I didn’t pay attention.
I was screaming at them, saying so many painful words. I told them that they were never my friends. There were so many tears coming down my face, I also knew they had tears running down their face but I didn’t care. Both of my friends Lizette and Ashley were the ones that didn’t want me to leave them. They did all they could, they supported me and helped me emotionally but I cared less.
Months would pass by, I would see them around school. I could see the pain in their faces, every time I saw them I wanted to run up to them and give all of them a hug but I believed I was a waste of their time. We were all complete strangers with a whole lot of memories. It didn’t feel right. At that time I wasn’t alone, and I had friends but I still had that emptiness in me.
Time passed and I was going through a bad situation like fighting with my parents and breaking up with my loved one. Once that ended I had no one. All I could do was cry. My heart couldn’t take it anymore. As I saw them; I felt like they were good without me. I remember sitting down in a corner at school near my art class; it was so quiet. The sky was dark; it was all grey. It was cold; I felt the windy air. Many thoughts came up to my head causing me to cry. No one was around, I needed a hug more than ever but I never got one. I was lonely once again. Until I got to the point where I wanted to commit suicide. I just couldn’t take it anymore because I thought that was going to be my life now.
There were people out there who told me not to do it because even though people seemed like they didn’t want me anymore it was going to affect them no matter what. I took those words deep in me and I decided to fix everything.
It was 5 months in total when I decided to apologize for all the pain I caused them. I met up with them and I read them a apology letter I wrote for them. I started crying half way of the letter, I felt disgusted towards myself. Disgusted because of all the things I said, for all the rumors I created. I felt their pain, after reading the letter I was scared that they weren’t going to accept me back. It got very emotional, my friend Estefania started crying but she was full of anger. Even though they were very angry I lowkey felt some happiness. They forgave me but it was going to be hard for them to get my trust back, but it was better than nothing.
I had a conversation with all of them a week ago about how our friendship deteriorated and how they are feeling today.
My friend Lizette said, “Like any other friends we all have our difficulties, our ups and downs but I knew from the bottom of my heart, she would come back because we were friends”. Estefania said, “I was full of anger. I felt betrayed honestly, I gave you my trust, and we had told personal things and it didn’t feel right that you knew that”.
We then talked about how they felt when I apologized. Lizette said, “ If she was ever angry toward us, I knew she would like come back no matter what, so I actually felt like it was never over, I knew there was hope. We all accepted you back no matter what, friends make mistakes and that’s why friends are there for you to forgive you no matter what”. Ashley and Jared weren’t really convinced, “ When she apologized I didn't know what to feel, I was relieved, yet I felt like I couldn’t trust her yet”.
Their comments affected me in a way that I knew I did wrong. I couldn’t believe I was so mean. It didn’t feel good. But I was glad because they told me the honest truth.
With joy Lizette said, “At the moment I feel happy since I have my friend back, I wouldn't ask for anything better I just like needed her to be by my side even though I have a group of friends that are always there for me but you know you’ll always gonna miss that one jacky you know, always that one jacky. Because no one can replace any of your friends, were all unique in different ways and that's why I respect them all since they all have something different to give each other”.
A study from Elitedaily.com showed about 14 to 27 percent of one’s tendency to feel lonely is due to genetics, and that was my cause. I had all of that in my head, I kept repeating the same story to myself making me feel like I didn’t matter to anyone.
Losing my friends in the first place killed me. I realized so many things. These girls are my second family and I couldn’t ask for anything else. I love them so much. I love you guys.
It was during the summer of 2017, I was home alone waiting for someone to text me but I didn’t receive any messages. Not a single message saying “Hey how are you doing?” or “ How’s your break so far?” Nothing but a blank screen. I started to overthink which is a bad habit of mine. I started to think that no one cared about me or wanted me around. I felt like my friends didn’t want me anymore because I felt ignored. I felt like they hated me, I didn’t have any reasons on how they would hate me but I would just feel it.
There would be many days where I would cry myself to sleep because I would overthink. Until one day I lost it. I texted my friends since that was the only way to communicate with them. I told them that I didn’t want to be their friend anymore. I gave them no reasons, I just said goodbye. They were all confused, they had no clue on what was going on. They tried to talk to me and work out things but I didn’t pay attention.
I was screaming at them, saying so many painful words. I told them that they were never my friends. There were so many tears coming down my face, I also knew they had tears running down their face but I didn’t care. Both of my friends Lizette and Ashley were the ones that didn’t want me to leave them. They did all they could, they supported me and helped me emotionally but I cared less.
Months would pass by, I would see them around school. I could see the pain in their faces, every time I saw them I wanted to run up to them and give all of them a hug but I believed I was a waste of their time. We were all complete strangers with a whole lot of memories. It didn’t feel right. At that time I wasn’t alone, and I had friends but I still had that emptiness in me.
Time passed and I was going through a bad situation like fighting with my parents and breaking up with my loved one. Once that ended I had no one. All I could do was cry. My heart couldn’t take it anymore. As I saw them; I felt like they were good without me. I remember sitting down in a corner at school near my art class; it was so quiet. The sky was dark; it was all grey. It was cold; I felt the windy air. Many thoughts came up to my head causing me to cry. No one was around, I needed a hug more than ever but I never got one. I was lonely once again. Until I got to the point where I wanted to commit suicide. I just couldn’t take it anymore because I thought that was going to be my life now.
There were people out there who told me not to do it because even though people seemed like they didn’t want me anymore it was going to affect them no matter what. I took those words deep in me and I decided to fix everything.
It was 5 months in total when I decided to apologize for all the pain I caused them. I met up with them and I read them a apology letter I wrote for them. I started crying half way of the letter, I felt disgusted towards myself. Disgusted because of all the things I said, for all the rumors I created. I felt their pain, after reading the letter I was scared that they weren’t going to accept me back. It got very emotional, my friend Estefania started crying but she was full of anger. Even though they were very angry I lowkey felt some happiness. They forgave me but it was going to be hard for them to get my trust back, but it was better than nothing.
I had a conversation with all of them a week ago about how our friendship deteriorated and how they are feeling today.
My friend Lizette said, “Like any other friends we all have our difficulties, our ups and downs but I knew from the bottom of my heart, she would come back because we were friends”. Estefania said, “I was full of anger. I felt betrayed honestly, I gave you my trust, and we had told personal things and it didn’t feel right that you knew that”.
We then talked about how they felt when I apologized. Lizette said, “ If she was ever angry toward us, I knew she would like come back no matter what, so I actually felt like it was never over, I knew there was hope. We all accepted you back no matter what, friends make mistakes and that’s why friends are there for you to forgive you no matter what”. Ashley and Jared weren’t really convinced, “ When she apologized I didn't know what to feel, I was relieved, yet I felt like I couldn’t trust her yet”.
Their comments affected me in a way that I knew I did wrong. I couldn’t believe I was so mean. It didn’t feel good. But I was glad because they told me the honest truth.
With joy Lizette said, “At the moment I feel happy since I have my friend back, I wouldn't ask for anything better I just like needed her to be by my side even though I have a group of friends that are always there for me but you know you’ll always gonna miss that one jacky you know, always that one jacky. Because no one can replace any of your friends, were all unique in different ways and that's why I respect them all since they all have something different to give each other”.
A study from Elitedaily.com showed about 14 to 27 percent of one’s tendency to feel lonely is due to genetics, and that was my cause. I had all of that in my head, I kept repeating the same story to myself making me feel like I didn’t matter to anyone.
Losing my friends in the first place killed me. I realized so many things. These girls are my second family and I couldn’t ask for anything else. I love them so much. I love you guys.